“Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing
there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.”
THE HEART OF THE MATTER
In general Couples or Marriage counseling focuses on two main areas, which between them cover the majority of problems that arise between couples:
1. Clearing past influences that cloud giving and receiving Love
2. Learning powerful communication tools that:
- Create Connection Instead of Conflict
- Renew Spontaneity and Intimacy
- Promote Honesty Instead of Criticism
- Create a Climate of Safe and Authenticity
- Renews Passion
The most common ways that couples express their emotions, hurt feelings or upsets tend to create defensiveness or drama, fanning the flame of conflict. So what often happens is they say nothing, building a reservoir of resentments, and grow weary over time. Some go the other way and directly point fingers and blame. Either way, creates separation.
True intimacy can only flourish in the presence of honesty. But honestly, does not have to be hurtful. The communication tools I offer make telling the truth an instrument of love and intimacy. These tools have not only changed the lives of hundreds of clients, they changed my life as well. I know the power of them from 20 years of both professional and personal use and I love offering them to people wanting real connection in all their important relationships.
Ideally, marriage is a safe place to come home to, a place where you are seen and treasured, a soft landing place away from the sharp edges of the world outside. It’s also about a willingness to see and remember the best most beautiful parts of your partner on the days when they are not feeling so beautiful about themselves. However, it is difficult to see the best in your partner when you are not in touch with the best within yourself.
Anais Nin wrote, “We see the world not as it is, but as we are.”
Depending on how we experienced love the first time, from parents or guardians, love can be the exquisite experience it’s hoped to be or it can become quite frightening, something to lose, something with the power to hurt, something that can disappear. If our first experience of love held trauma, it’s not unusual for old fears to surface and be projected onto a partner. So often the problems in relationships are more about the past than they are about the person in front of us.
By learning to love ourselves we become a soft place for our partners to land. Instead of relating to our loved one as some ghost from the past, haunting our present perceptions, we see them from new eyes; we see them as they truly are.